After what happened, a couple of weeks ago, I have re-evaluated some of my opinions and came up with a little adjustment to the conclusions. I hate waiting; I’ve been avoiding it as much as I can because I always think my time is not worth wasting. I realized that it is not something that we have to necessarily dodge. We have to deal with it sometimes. At some point, when I was helpless and too much manly hood to ask for help, the only thing I can do is hope, pray and wait. This time I have to put up too much hope that if it doesn’t work out, it’ll drive me back to the darkville, where I came from at the first place, I supposed. I’m waiting for something significant, anything that I can work it through. For the past few days, I’ve been distracted by friends and her of course. But I know it won’t stay that way any longer. Good things never last, so I’ve heard. So far these distractions seem to be endless. I can enjoy it but not as much as I’m worried that it’s going to end soon. If there is good news, I hope I can reach me anyhow, anyway and let it be as soon as it can be. If it is bad news, I hope it come with an early warning so that it won’t crush me into my nightmare.
I always believe that Karma is weak. They define it as a balance of good and evil in the universe, involves punishment, reward, turning into a new leaf and so on. I see it as a thing that happen to occur at the right timing pattern that can make people think its karma as a balance. I see it as a coincidence, as I said, right-timing. Some people believe that it is fate. I used to believe that it is a balance. After what happened, it changes everything. I can’t blame anyone more than myself. Actually, I can’t blame anyone else at all. Some people spending most of their time suffering than under-going pleasures. Where is the balance in that? Where is the ‘deeds are paid with pleasure, sin with suffer’? I know absolution can come into the flow, but how about the victims that weren’t forgiven? I concluded that whatever Karma wants, you can fight back because Karma is a weak belief.
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
Assalamualaikum Today is 13th October 2010. By my count its almost 3 months that I haven’t update this blog. So it stinks a little (or much). And by my count its been 7 or 8 months since I got thrown out the university. Everything changes as it supposed to be. My perspective towards life, I lost my aim. After what happened, I reconsidered of going back. But it didn’t last long. My last few months are like a therapy for me. A very terrifying therapy for me.
I was worrying if I could have a decent life. If I have what it takes to carry a responsibility to protect someone else when I can’t even feed myself? Somewhere in August 2010, I started applying for a job. I don’t have the interest in the job, but with desperation, I have to. Because I know in the first place, with what I have, I can’t get a good job. Its been really hard on me. Good thing it didn’t show, I don’t want to panic anybody. I was spending my days hiding what happened even if I know it won’t stay that long. People talk and they don’t talk to themselves, they talk to other people. Leakage all over the places. It wasn’t really big a deal from what I saw. I hope it really wasn’t.
I don’t know if I want to talk about this. When I was having a hard time, something else came up. I’m not sure what it is but it hurts like hell. It feels like someone just grabbed my heart and pulled it out of my chest. The fear of losing someone you really care about really shows in me at that moment. Somewhere along the line, I lost my patience and I threw harsh words to her face. it turned things really bad. I was just closed of being the one to blame even if I wasn’t the one who started it. I can’t blame anyone. I can’t blame her because what she felt was just responses and willing to take whatever the dude offered on the table. She became confused and her feeling s divided. It happens. For 7 years, I thought that was merely impossible to happen but it did. Her fear was justified because this is the first time. I tried to do what’s right to satisfy everyone, even if it includes me. But its so hard. The dude at the other hand was being a stranger. I can’t comment about this guy, I don’t even know him. but from what I saw, he was reasonable. He was being quiet, maybe muttered somewhere and finally the confessions came up. So then I tried to talk it out with her. I tried to talk with the other guy but he never give me that chance. Everything turned out so well at the moment. Deep down inside, I’m still not over it. I’m not hurt, I’m just curious. He knows that things would hardly works out between them unless I stepped out. Why did he start it? i really wants to know this reason, I need it above all. I’m just waiting for the right moment.
p/s: knowing someone you love is loving someone else is never good.
Monday, 19 July 2010
"Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for? Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for? When they know they're your heart And you know you were their armor And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm 'her"
this is one of the meaningful lyrics that i've ever heard.
for the past couples of weeks, i wasn't able to settle my mind and focus on one particular thing because i've been bothered by something. my so-called instinct. i can't take my mind off imagining bad things in the future, like a nightmare comes alive. i'm trying so hard to be on the right side but my demons keep pulling me off apart. they keep saying something is happening. its not a bad thing but it can lead to one. they keep beating out my helpless self-conscious. for a while its true. it shatters my trust in no time, tying up my hands behind my back before i can collect them and put it back to one piece. the one you love, that you'd give your arm for and protect them, destroy everything that could harm them, can be the one who backfires you.
i made a few steps, with intention to fix everything hoping to have something good out of it. i guess i over-rode the line and having trouble to get back to the other side. for one time in my life, i'm afraid to move away because i'm not sure if i'm at the wrong side, i'm afraid to stay because i'm not sure if i'm at the right side. i'm losing my grip.
i tried to bend my knees and pray to God, hoping that he's listening to a pray that i rarely do. ya Allah, guide me to the right path and show me how to fight for it. show me how to trust people, give me sign to live peacefully. Amin
aku sudah jalan2 banyak sama Abd Rahim dan Bungsu Jatul di Kota Kinabalu. ini dua orang budak cousin saya juga. banyak gauk ini dua orang, jalan2 saja kerja. sudah pergi itu KK Plaza, Centerpoint, Warisan Square dan mcm2 lagi. hari2 banyak letih. hahaha..mengarut.
kelmarin aku dan kerabat cousin, inda semua, telah pergi bercuti ke Kota Kinabalu utk bersiar-siar. bangun pagi bukan lagi kerja senang bagiku. sudah bertahun ku meninggalkan kerja yg sukar ini. bangun pukul 5:45am, tapi disebabkan aku gerak macam siput sedut, maka ahirlah kami blah..dalam pukul 7:45am. dalam perjalanan aku tidor.
dtg KK kul 11:30am, then tarus check in. abis check in then punggah barang, tarus jalan2. aku dalam keadaan broke pun eksen2 jua macam urang beusin. hahaha. bali saja apa adanya.
so today hari kedua dan esok balik rumah. aku ngalih tahap gila babun. nda ku tau apa kan di taip. bungsu jatul sebalah ku pun sedang menaip2 blognya. ntah hapa hapa ntah dalam hotak ku yang babal ani.
aku rindu kau sayang =)
bye. blog ku bau taie, tapi aku nda peduli. sama aku update di Cyber cafe. urang sebalah ku pasang lagu techno. kalau dirumah, ku terajang plg sudah ni =.='
An elephant asked a camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" The camel replied: "Thats a pretty dumb question coming from someone with a dick on his face"
an old grandmother was dying slowly and couldnt take it anymore, she wanted to speed up by shooting her self, she was wondering where she needs to shoot her for the quickest death and thought it would be the heart, grandmother calls the doctor to ask him where the heart is located. Doctor replies 2 inches below ur nipp......le. Grandmother got sent to the hospital the next day for shooting herself in the kneecap
Question: Why do the french eat snails? Answer: Because they don't like fast food.
Question: What do you do with 365 used condoms? Answer: Melt them into a tire and call it a good year.
Chemistry Teacher: ‘‘Can you give me the formula for water?’’ Student: ‘‘H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-.’’ Chemistry Teacher: ‘‘Where did you get an idea like that?’’ Student: ‘‘You told us the other day it was H to O.’’
A very handsome man is drinking at a bar when a girl walks up to him n says: what are u drinking? Man: magic beer Girl: what does it do? Man takes a sip, flys out the window, touches the clouds and comes back Girl: wow!! I wanna drink magic beer too Man: bartender, give her what im drinking Girl finishes the drink, jum...ps out the window, falls and dies Bartender: superman ur an asshole when ur drunk.
A blonde quickly went out to her mailbox,checked it and went back in the house.Few minutes later she checked her mail again.She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today ...the way you keep looking into that mail box."The blonde answ...ered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
these are just some jokes that i got from omghumor.com page on facebook =)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SAYANG, today is your big day. another year with new experiences, love and great life. its the 7th years that your birthday with me, as a couple. its been great years knowing you and letting you into my life and me into yours. i’m enthralled by your beauty, mesmerized by your charisma and spellbound by your love. no wonder I am always thinking about you.
this year you practically spent the first 10 hours of your birthday with me. its an honor and i'm really happy that i took it. we spent the night on movies and late dinner. we watched 'Semerah Cinta Stiletto'. she actually want to watch 'When In Rome' but i insisted, and i know you won't argue =P. thanks sayang. hehe. its kind of typical date but i think i said this before. everything is fun doing with the one you love, so it doesn't matter if its lame or whatever.
i haven't got her a gift, but i will, soon. insya Allah.
now she's already back home and i'm at mine. and i'm missing her more than i could have been. once again, happy birthday sayang.