MY scrap!!!

Friday, 15 October 2010

After what happened, a couple of weeks ago, I have re-evaluated some of my opinions and came up with a little adjustment to the conclusions. I hate waiting; I’ve been avoiding it as much as I can because I always think my time is not worth wasting. I realized that it is not something that we have to necessarily dodge. We have to deal with it sometimes. At some point, when I was helpless and too much manly hood to ask for help, the only thing I can do is hope, pray and wait. This time I have to put up too much hope that if it doesn’t work out, it’ll drive me back to the darkville, where I came from at the first place, I supposed. I’m waiting for something significant, anything that I can work it through. For the past few days, I’ve been distracted by friends and her of course. But I know it won’t stay that way any longer. Good things never last, so I’ve heard. So far these distractions seem to be endless. I can enjoy it but not as much as I’m worried that it’s going to end soon. If there is good news, I hope I can reach me anyhow, anyway and let it be as soon as it can be. If it is bad news, I hope it come with an early warning so that it won’t crush me into my nightmare.

I always believe that Karma is weak. They define it as a balance of good and evil in the universe, involves punishment, reward, turning into a new leaf and so on. I see it as a thing that happen to occur at the right timing pattern that can make people think its karma as a balance. I see it as a coincidence, as I said, right-timing. Some people believe that it is fate. I used to believe that it is a balance. After what happened, it changes everything. I can’t blame anyone more than myself. Actually, I can’t blame anyone else at all. Some people spending most of their time suffering than under-going pleasures. Where is the balance in that? Where is the ‘deeds are paid with pleasure, sin with suffer’? I know absolution can come into the flow, but how about the victims that weren’t forgiven? I concluded that whatever Karma wants, you can fight back because Karma is a weak belief.

11:54

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Assalamualaikum
Today is 13th October 2010. By my count its almost 3 months that I haven’t update this blog. So it stinks a little (or much). And by my count its been 7 or 8 months since I got thrown out the university. Everything changes as it supposed to be. My perspective towards life, I lost my aim. After what happened, I reconsidered of going back. But it didn’t last long. My last few months are like a therapy for me. A very terrifying therapy for me.

I was worrying if I could have a decent life. If I have what it takes to carry a responsibility to protect someone else when I can’t even feed myself? Somewhere in August 2010, I started applying for a job. I don’t have the interest in the job, but with desperation, I have to. Because I know in the first place, with what I have, I can’t get a good job. Its been really hard on me. Good thing it didn’t show, I don’t want to panic anybody. I was spending my days hiding what happened even if I know it won’t stay that long. People talk and they don’t talk to themselves, they talk to other people. Leakage all over the places. It wasn’t really big a deal from what I saw. I hope it really wasn’t.

I don’t know if I want to talk about this. When I was having a hard time, something else came up. I’m not sure what it is but it hurts like hell. It feels like someone just grabbed my heart and pulled it out of my chest. The fear of losing someone you really care about really shows in me at that moment. Somewhere along the line, I lost my patience and I threw harsh words to her face. it turned things really bad. I was just closed of being the one to blame even if I wasn’t the one who started it. I can’t blame anyone. I can’t blame her because what she felt was just responses and willing to take whatever the dude offered on the table. She became confused and her feeling s divided. It happens. For 7 years, I thought that was merely impossible to happen but it did. Her fear was justified because this is the first time. I tried to do what’s right to satisfy everyone, even if it includes me. But its so hard. The dude at the other hand was being a stranger. I can’t comment about this guy, I don’t even know him. but from what I saw, he was reasonable. He was being quiet, maybe muttered somewhere and finally the confessions came up.
So then I tried to talk it out with her. I tried to talk with the other guy but he never give me that chance. Everything turned out so well at the moment. Deep down inside, I’m still not over it. I’m not hurt, I’m just curious. He knows that things would hardly works out between them unless I stepped out. Why did he start it? i really wants to know this reason, I need it above all. I’m just waiting for the right moment.

p/s: knowing someone you love is loving someone else is never good.

08:53

Monday, 19 July 2010

hello.

"Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armor
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm 'her"

this is one of the meaningful lyrics that i've ever heard.

for the past couples of weeks, i wasn't able to settle my mind and focus on one particular thing because i've been bothered by something. my so-called instinct. i can't take my mind off imagining bad things in the future, like a nightmare comes alive. i'm trying so hard to be on the right side but my demons keep pulling me off apart. they keep saying something is happening. its not a bad thing but it can lead to one. they keep beating out my helpless self-conscious. for a while its true. it shatters my trust in no time, tying up my hands behind my back before i can collect them and put it back to one piece. the one you love, that you'd give your arm for and protect them, destroy everything that could harm them, can be the one who backfires you.

i made a few steps, with intention to fix everything hoping to have something good out of it. i guess i over-rode the line and having trouble to get back to the other side. for one time in my life, i'm afraid to move away because i'm not sure if i'm at the wrong side, i'm afraid to stay because i'm not sure if i'm at the right side. i'm losing my grip.

i tried to bend my knees and pray to God, hoping that he's listening to a pray that i rarely do. ya Allah, guide me to the right path and show me how to fight for it. show me how to trust people, give me sign to live peacefully. Amin

10:14

Saturday, 26 June 2010

when you get bored

Labels: some photo for fun