Assalamualaikum
Today is 13th October 2010. By my count its almost 3 months that I haven’t update this blog. So it stinks a little (or much). And by my count its been 7 or 8 months since I got thrown out the university. Everything changes as it supposed to be. My perspective towards life, I lost my aim. After what happened, I reconsidered of going back. But it didn’t last long. My last few months are like a therapy for me. A very terrifying therapy for me.


I was worrying if I could have a decent life. If I have what it takes to carry a responsibility to protect someone else when I can’t even feed myself? Somewhere in August 2010, I started applying for a job. I don’t have the interest in the job, but with desperation, I have to. Because I know in the first place, with what I have, I can’t get a good job. Its been really hard on me. Good thing it didn’t show, I don’t want to panic anybody. I was spending my days hiding what happened even if I know it won’t stay that long. People talk and they don’t talk to themselves, they talk to other people. Leakage all over the places. It wasn’t really big a deal from what I saw. I hope it really wasn’t.

I don’t know if I want to talk about this. When I was having a hard time, something else came up. I’m not sure what it is but it hurts like hell. It feels like someone just grabbed my heart and pulled it out of my chest. The fear of losing someone you really care about really shows in me at that moment. Somewhere along the line, I lost my patience and I threw harsh words to her face. it turned things really bad. I was just closed of being the one to blame even if I wasn’t the one who started it. I can’t blame anyone. I can’t blame her because what she felt was just responses and willing to take whatever the dude offered on the table. She became confused and her feeling s divided. It happens. For 7 years, I thought that was merely impossible to happen but it did. Her fear was justified because this is the first time. I tried to do what’s right to satisfy everyone, even if it includes me. But its so hard. The dude at the other hand was being a stranger. I can’t comment about this guy, I don’t even know him. but from what I saw, he was reasonable. He was being quiet, maybe muttered somewhere and finally the confessions came up.
So then I tried to talk it out with her. I tried to talk with the other guy but he never give me that chance. Everything turned out so well at the moment. Deep down inside, I’m still not over it. I’m not hurt, I’m just curious. He knows that things would hardly works out between them unless I stepped out. Why did he start it? i really wants to know this reason, I need it above all. I’m just waiting for the right moment.

p/s: knowing someone you love is loving someone else is never good.